Everything You Never Wanted to Know About Airline Travel

Tail and Rudder (A) The rudder makes the plane yaw port or starboard and the tail stabilizes yawing in case don't know which way port and starboard are. Yaw is a sailing term, like port and starboard, which are used by the airlines so the crew can dress like ship captains. This instills confidence in the passengers, at least in those who've never met a ship's captain.

Elevator (B) Makes the plane pitch up so it can climb, in other words elevate. It also makes it pitch down to dive, but they named it before they thought of that.

Monocoque Fuselage (C) A fancy French term for what is basically a balloon frame body. Other plane parts have French names, too, like aileron (D) which means "little wing." This is because many air pioneers were French, such as the Montgolfier brothers and the LaWright brothers. Plus it sounds better than balloon frame which might make you think it was a Zeppelin. The airlines prefer to distance themselves from the Hinden­burg disaster as much as possible.

Nosecone (E) DOT mandated 5mph crash bumper. Just in case the plane approaches the gate at the wrong angle of attack.

Turbojet Engine (F) These are often built by Rolls Royce* whose expertise in building stodgy automobiles pays off somehow.

Flaps (G) The flying public believes these devices increase lift for takeoffs and landings. In reality they are used in flight to create "turbulence" by flapping the wings. These are activated by the flight personnel to make the passengers sit down and shut up thus giving themselves a cigarette break in the secret smoking lounge.

Overhead Luggage Com­pactor (H) Conveniently stows carry-on luggage which will self-eject when hatch is opened improperly, or properly for that matter.

Head (I) A bathroom, only there's no bath. Some folks call it the rest room, despite being so small it's impossible to get any rest in one. I might suggest lavatory, but then that's what plumbers call a bathroom sink. The Navy calls it a head, for no good reason I know of. Inboard outhouse? Call it what you will, it's the crapper.

Flight Attendant (J) They used to be called stewardesses in the old days when they were all young and attractive in boots, mini-skirts and pillbox hats. But Women's Lib put the kibosh on all that and now they're mainly thirty-something and half of them are men. Which means fewer jobs for women. Funny how that worked out.

Galley (K) This is not a galley like a Greek trireme with rows of slaves toiling at massive oars, it's nothing but a kitchenette. Plane terminology is often fash­ioned after nautical terms, they never name things what land­lubbers would call them. Floors are decks, doors are hatches, walls are bulkheads, windows are lookie holes, and passen­gers are called seat filler or "sardines."

Black Box (L) Holds the pilot's liquor supply so it doesn't spill or break during turbulence and hard landings.

Autopilot (M) Most people think this is a sophisticated electronic device that can pilot a plane without the need for human intervention. However, in reality "autopilot" is an airline euphe­mism that means "the flight crew has fallen asleep."

Co-pilot (Also M) A classic case of union featherbedding. The co-pilot doesn't know how to fly the plane and really doesn't do anything but play with toggle switches in the cockpit which control absolutely nothing at all.

Fly by Wire (N) The control systems of all modern aircraft are not from direct mechanical hook-up of the "steerin' wheel" to the control surfaces. These are controlled by triple redun­dant computerized servo actuators. In other words, electrical gizmos. Better that than no hook-up at all.

Fly by Night (Not shown) The kind of airline you don't want to fly on. These can sometimes be spotted by ground crews paint­ing a new logo over some other old one on the plane just before takeoff. Another telltale sign would be if the pilot looks sus­piciously like the boarding gate attendant with a baseball cap and a fake mustache.

* Actually there are two inde­pend­ent Rolls Royce compa­nies. One builds cars, the other jet engines. But the gag doesn't work if I admit that up front.

© Terry Colon, 2006