False News and Fake Prophesies Almost as Good as the Establishment Media’s Fake News and False Prophesies

That Was the Year That Couldn’t

Top Ten Things That Didn’t Quite Happen in 2022

1. King Charles fires court jester for “Who died and left you boss?” wisecrack
2. Robots hijack self-driving cars and… I have no punchline for that
3. FBI Exposed: People finally realize what “follow me” on Twitter really means
4. DC bureaucrats reclassify natives as Unhyphenated-Americans
5. New computer keyboards made with single alt key at lower left, the alt right key disappears
6. IQ scores continue declining; nobody understands it
7. Progressive mathematicians liberate calculations from oppressive “equals” sign (=) with more inclusive “feels like” sign (♥)
8. Poll finds 115% of voters believe voting is 150% honest
9. Uncle Sam replaced by Big Momma!
10. Argentina beats French Africa to win World Cup

Filed 1/4/23

Because Science Is Real …    Funny

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The Times They Are a’Changling

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That Was the Year that Wasn’t

Bullsheet Edition:

Top Nine Things that Could Have But Didn’t Happen in 2021

1. Newest surprise for NASA scientists – space probe indicates Mars tests positive for Covid
2. Only 30 hospitalized in BLM mostly peaceful celebration of Nobel peace prize
3. NYT columnist claims spontaneous chanting at sports events shows Joe “Let’s Go” Biden is most popular president ever
4. Girls catching up to boys in sports – “This is what sex change looks like,” said former male Olympian Caitlyn Jenner
5. Climate continues multi-million year record of change despite thousands of idle windmills
6. US Congress announces new government programs to help people put out of work by previous new government programs
7. Conversationalists chagrined to find listeners mistake gag line, “Is the Pope Catholic?” for serious question
8. Democrat controlled Congress passes hate vote law – Democrats sweep mid-terms with 99% of hate-free votes
9. FIFA reassigns French national team to African confederation – Team members look forward to playing road games closer to home

Filed 1/3/22

Headlines Torn from the Pages of History –and Thrown Away

As another event-filled year passes by the board, we at terry colon dot com once again raise our glasses and salute the unfulfilled non-events you may have missed. Well, everyone missed because you can’t see what didn’t happen, can you? And we don’t mean the things unreported by the media as if they never happened, we mean things that really didn’t happen.

One might suppose citing things not in fact happening indicates negativity on our part. Au contraire, not getting hit by a Mack truck, that’s good. No plague of frogs, also good. Zombies didn’t eat your brain, very good indeed. Not awaking one morning to find yourself trans­formed into a giant insect, excellent.

We could continue in this vein ad nauseam, the list of nothings not happening is practically endless. We choose to limit ourselves to thirteen. We readily admit it’s not a nice round number, but then zero is the only truly round number. Or rather, the only round numeral. So, without any further ado we present Things That Didn’t Happen in 2020.

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2018 Obituaries of the News

Ten Things that Did Not Happen in 2018

1. Despite years of research psycholo­gists admit they still don’t know why the chicken crossed the road
2. Due to inflation economists calculate a picture is now worth 1,685 words
3. Astronomers shocked to discover infinitely massive black holy-moly!
4. Russian assets infiltrate State Depart­ment… Oh wait, that happened in the 1940’s
5. Episcopalians formalize policy of separation of church and religion
6. POTUS redefines “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” as “entitlement, diversity and the pursuit of orgasm”
7. New rehypothication rules mean Wall Street banks can have your cake and eat it, too
8. Afghan War renamed Hundred Years War 2.0
9. Exhaustive study finds there is actually only one way to skin a cat
10. Brexit

The reader might think these are all (supposed to be) jokes, except number ten which was actually the case and so news. Unless said reader is a British voter, in which case the whole government handling of Brexit is a joke. Only not the funny kind. Just another case of making the world safe for bureaucracy.

Filed 1/4/19

No News Year End Roundup

Ten Things that Didn’t Happen in 2017

1. Words spelled with XY combination purged for toxic masculinity – Foxy, waxy and xylophone become foxish, waximal and zhelophone
2. Mayor declares San Francisco nuclear family free zone
3. Retailers criticized as racist for running TV ads without interracial couples
4. Physicists discover subatomic transtrons which can be positive, negative, or whatever they choose – Bent space-time gets even more bent
5. French Left amends old slogan to “Europe for the Africans!”
6. DC bureaucrats celebrate milestone ten millionth law – All government computers replace “command save” – function with “command spend”
7. Writing left to right declared Eurocentric – Writing becomes more egalitarian from the bottom up
8. Disney buys CNN – relocates editorial offices to Fantasyland
9. Mathematicians discover new whole number ‘twone’ – between one and two – Near infinite gets farther away
10. Russians hack Bible code – Satan elected Pope

Filed 1/12/18

And Now…

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More from the strange but should be true file. You just knew we’d slap one of these in here sooner or later.

Filed 2/8/17

2016 Fake News in Review

As the year winds down we reprise our old bit of reporting fake but accurate newsworthy items for the 366 days past. Or at least list the headlines since non-news is generally rather skimpy on details.

Top Ten Things that Didn’t Happen in 2016

1. Nibiru joins Nation of Islam, renames itself Planet X
2. Convergence nears: 3-D printer prints 3-D printer
3. Slow Christmas sales blamed on Russia hacking Santa’s naughty or nice list
4. Scientists discover transgender Z chromosome – Meta X-Y chromosome exists only in the head
5. Negative yielding bonds send sheep shearing futures soaring
6. Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrödinger is dead
7. California to build wall to keep out Americans
8. Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on fake news business
9. North Korea abandons cashless economy plan after finding citizens already have no cash
10. Lab results show white mold excludes black mold – Harvard biologist blames petri dish cultures of hate
11. End Times omen appears: Cubs win World Series

“Wait a minute, that’s eleven, not ten” we suppose the reader is saying in their head at this point. Ah, but, we object, number eleven happened so there are only ten that didn’t happen. We simply couldn’t resist shoving that one in at the end as a bonus gag. Devious, eh? Anyway, it was leap year so you get one extra. That’s our story and we’re running with it.

Filed 12/29/16

A New Year, a New One of These Gags

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Not a rerun or a rehash, a retool.

Filed 2/17/16

Everything New Is Old Again

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If the horse is dead what will it hurt to beat it some more?

Filed 11/12/15

It’s October, Time for Something Completely Similar

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Look familiar? It would if you’ve been viewing terry colon dot com for a while. I’m allowed to plagiarize myself, aren’t I?

Filed 10/1/15

Undone Redone –Fake But Accurate News Review

In what is becoming something of a tradition, I present a year-end list of silly predictions of things that will not happen or post-dictions of things that did not happen. Review my previous pre-post-dictions for 2014, 2013, and 2012. And now, without further ado…

Top Ten+1 Things That Didn’t Happen in 2014

1. Recovery reaches escape velocity and escapes the economy altogether
2. All executive directives declared constitutional by executive order
3. Rosetta space probe discovers no water on dirty snowball comet proving theory of undetectable dark snow
4. Cost-cutting NYT replaces team of fact-checkers with rubber stamp
5. Harvard professor finds evidence proving evidence proves nothing
6. World Cup fever gripping Brazil cured by team of Germans
7. Nobel-winning economists admit bafflement that deficit keeps growing despite increased government spending
8. Last Baby Boomer goes kicking and screaming into their 60s, generation renamed Crybaby Boomers
9. Congress stands up to Wall Street, Bankers take their seats
10. Sesame Street sues letter S for monopolizing both plural and possessive nouns
    
11. City of San Francisco leveled because steep hills made it handicap inaccessible

Okay, maybe number six sort-of happened. I simply couldn’t resist the joke.

Filed 12/26/14

Over the Horizon

Top Ten Predictions for 2014

1. Peak rhetoric will reach tipping point, go exponential, hit wall, go over cliff, then crash and burn
2. Space-time expansion accelerates, clocks go to 13 hours
3. Getting small will be big
4. More nouns verbified, more verbs nouned
5. Tired old clichés will be replaced with fresh new clichés
6. Hell’s Angels will sue Wall Street to get 1% label back – Wall Street retaliates by selling Harley-Davidson to Zongshen
7. Post-modern era ends – Neo-post-retro-revival era begins
8. November will be first annual Ignorance Awareness Month
9. Earth’s magnetic field will reverse – The South will rise again
10. To raise revenue government will charge for formerly free speech

Plus there’ll be a bigger, better, and more webbier terrycolon.com coming to a computer or web connected device near you.

Bonus Bet-hedging Entry

Second Top Ten Predictions for the New Year

1. Numbers will be binary

10. Spelling wil bee dun fonetiklee

Hahpee 11101101010, yawl.

Filed 12/30/13

2012 Undone –Fake But Accurate News Review

A lot of folks this time of year come out with their top ten lists of people, places, things, and events of the year. I’d like to do the opposite. Not the bottom ten, but the top ten non-events. Or rather…

Top Ten Things That Didn’t Happen in 2012

1. Ice caps melt – Santa Claus gets bailed out
2. Greece abandons euro – Accountants find Greece had no euros anyway
3. Wheel reinvented – Axles to be reinvented in 2013
4. Meek inherit Earth – But can’t afford estate taxes
5. US Congress passes budget – It could happen
6. Riddle of universe solved – Answer not understood
7. Theoretical black hole created in lab – Theoretical astrophysicists sucked in
8. Bigfoot found in Ohio – Votes for Obama
9. World ends – S&P goes risk-off
10. Pigs fly – Bacon sales soar

What’s done is done. What’s not done is not undone, but not done. And in other news…

Filed 12/28/12

This Is the Year That Won’t Be

Ten Unpredictions for 2012

1. Lady Gaga will be exposed as not being an actual Lady, and not really gaga either
2. Maroon becomes the new black and polka-dots become the new stripes
3. It will be revealed Oliver Stone’s movies were not made by him at all, but by the Freemasons
4. Jeopardy! will be exposed for giving contestants the answers before the questions
5. The Onion will be declared the new paper of record
6. The phrase “fifteen minutes of fame” will finally exhaust its fifteen minutes of fame
7. To stave off bankruptcy Greece will sue the London Olympics for using the name Olympics
8. The presidential election race begins in earnest on January 12th. We will be sick of it by February 12th
9. Prices of what you own will go down, prices for what you need will go up. This will be called dinflation
10. The European Union will be reorganized from its current form to a united, single entity called Eurination

Filed 1/4/12

A Silly Bit For No Good Reason Other Than I Wanted To and Don’t Have a Copier or Fax

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How often do goofy ideas pop into your head? Would they amuse anyone else? What do you do with them? In the old days you might try turning them into copier humor passing them around on paper. Later this became fax humor. Now-a-days we have the internet to make it faster and easier to share these silly things with email and blogs.

Of course the old days mentioned started in the 1970s. Before that, you just kept it to yourself. Which, in many cases might be just the place to keep it.

Filed 9/1/10