Perhaps you’ve scrupulously tried to avoid logical fallacies when debating some topic or other. Forget that. Such retrograde pre-post-modern thinking no longer applies. Our neo-modern age has progressed beyond hard logic and cold reason to paralogic and surreason. Here are the Rules of Logic, Reason and Debate for the 21st Century. Learn them, know them, use them. You have nothing to lose but your chains of logic.
Self-evident Self-evidence: Any statement containing “no doubt”, “obviously”, “it goes without saying”, or “everyone knows” is accepted as proven. Nothing more need be said nor evidence produced. No doubt it goes without saying everyone knows this is obviously true.
Circulating Circularity: You can back up your own argument with your own argument simply by repeating it. The more you repeat it the more true it is. Again, the more you repeat it the more true it is. And remember, the more you repeat it the more true it is.
Sonic Persuasion: The louder the argument, the stronger the argument. In writing, all caps, underlining, bolding, italics, and exclamation marks add serious weight of truth to any statement. This is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY TRUE!!!!
Frickin Fact: Along the lines of sonic persuasion, you can strengthen your argument simply by adding the word “frickin” (or equivalent). People may question what you say is true, but there can be no doubt when it’s frickin true.
The word “frickin” (or equivalent) is truly magical. It’s a helper word that makes any statement more powerful and any joke more funny. In fact, a statement that’s not funny at all will be hilarious to some people just by inserting “frickin” (or equivalent) in it. How, why? Nobody frickin knows.
With these four simple methods you can prove just about anything at all. Combining them is a quadruple threat that can’t be beat. Just repeat an assertion loudly and often until it goes without saying it’s frickin true and you’re home free. Disproving your opponent is equally easy with the tactics explained below.
Nymtimidation: Call your opponent stupid. This is almost idiot-proof because how do they prove they’re not? – Recite the times tables? Name the state capitals? Produce a Mensa membership card? If they respond to the accusation they’ll look, well, stupid. If they don’t respond they’ll look guilty. You win either way. Anyway, they disagree and you’re obviously right, therefore, ergo, ipso facto, QED, they must be stupid.
Alternatively you can call them heartless, evil, phony, whatever. Question their motives, what’s in their hearts and minds and impossible to disprove. Are you beginning to get the idea? Call them anything you like. Once a label sticks the opposition is rendered impotent.
Insanitizing: Use the following simple phrase to reply to anything your opponent says, “Are you insane?” In a flash everything your opponent says is dismissed as the ravings of a lunatic and not worth listening to.
You can also use mad, nuts, crazy, delusional, or out of your mind in the phrase. These aren’t as strong as insane, so punch it up with stark-raving or frickin and it will do the trick.
Boo!-lean Logic: This is pretty much insanitizing plus. Crazy is bad, but crazy scared is worse. Simply attach the suffix
Full Stop Logic: You can successfully prevent any possible rebuttal of any point you make by simply adding the word “period” after your remark. A period closes the sentence and the topic because period means the end and there can’t be anything after the end, the end is the end. Case closed. Period.
Using these four tactics you can defeat any assertion or proposal your opponent makes no matter how well argued or thought out on their part. After all, why should anyone listen to a stupid, evil X-ophobe? Are you frickin insane? They’re wrong. Period.
Seductive Logic: If the parts of the premise are true, the conclusion is proven. A direct causal link need only be implied. Since the premises are true, then by implication any implied causal link must be true, too. Anyway, being implied the causal link is unstated and so your opponent can’t disprove something that isn’t there, can they?
Unductive Logic: If the evidence doesn’t agree with the conclusion, the evidence is wrong and must be adjusted to fit the conclusion or ignored. Unductive logic is particularly useful as it makes disproving any assertion on your part impossible. Contrary evidence is simply wrong and those using it are liars or insane imbeciles. Or there’s been a cover-up, which is impossible to disprove since all contrary evidence is part of the cover-up.
Nonductive Logic: If all else fails, call it a paradox. Nonductive logic is your all-purpose escape clause. A paradox means you’re still right, you just haven’t figured out why. At least not yet. That’s the key – you’ll know in the future. That’s what computer models are for. Let’s see your opponent disprove proof from the future. They can’t! Ha-ha, you win again.
Power Proof: While all the above methods and tactics are highly effective, there is one sure-fire, guaranteed way to never lose a debate. Which is to never have a debate. This merely requires the power to silence the opposition. If you control the government, suppress opposing views. If you control the money, only fund your own views. If you control the media, don’t allow opposing views to be heard.
If people have a choice between A and A they’re going to choose A every time. If folks don’t know there is an option B or C or whatever, well, how can you lose? It’s easy as A-B-C, only without B and C.
You might think these simple rules are a little too simple, too simplistic, too simple-minded even. But they work fabulously. Despite what President Lincoln said about how you can’t fool all the people all the time, you only need to fool most of people most of the time. Besides, obviously everyone knows your opponents are frickin, insane, MORONS, MORONS, MORONS!!!! Period.
© Terry Colon, 2014